Really Smart Phone - New Features

I believe that most of these features are within our technological capability and I believe that most of us could use one or more of them at some point.  Moreover, several of my criminal defense clients should not be allowed buy phones without these features

• Text block plus - has two features that prevent the user from sending inappropriate or stupid texts. 
• Really? - Activating this feature sends the warning message "Really?" to the user whenever they send a text that contains a message clearly not meant for texting (examples: "This relationship is not working out", "I love you", "I have (list any disease, illness...etc) )
• Huh? - Returns the message "Huh?" instead of sending the message, whenever the user attempts to send a text that makes no sense. If that text is sent after 11:30 pm, the phone will also return a list of cab companies.

• Live Person Alert - When the phone picks up the sound of people's voices within a certain vicinity, the phone returns the message "there are live people near by, it is unnecessary to use the calling or texting features of this smart phone."  

• Dating Features
• He/She is not that into you - If the user attempts to text or dial a number or contact a number of times without any response, the phone automatically blocks any calls/texts to that number and de-friends the contact on Facebook. 
• He/She is probably not that into you - Allows the user to control the level of stupidity they display to potential suitors. With this feature, the user can enter any number into a "potential dating pool". Anytime the ratio of calls/texts out to calls/texts in goes above 2:1, the phone sends the following text, (you have contacted 555-1212 15 times for every time they contact you. press 1 if you are an idiot and would still like to proceed with this call/text.) The error message continues until the ratio is back under 2:1. If the ratio goes above 20:1, the He/She is not that into you feature is automatically activated. 
• Do not call - This feature allows the user to enter in a number of someone they should not call or text for whatever reason (they are married and the user is not, they have a long criminal record, there is a restraining order). Any time the user calls that number, the message "to continue making this big mistake, press one, otherwise hang-up"
• Red Flag - Pops up an actual picture of a red flag when certain phrases or texts are entered into the phone (You can't really meet my family, can you drive me to court?, You're the one I want, baby, she means nothing to me, can you lend me another 50 bucks....etc)
• Wingman Plus - This important feature allows the user's 5 closest friends to activate any of the above features for any number they deem necessary. It also sends a text to the user's most reliable wingman any time the Do Not Call number is dialed or the He/She is just not that into you feature is activated.

• Call your mom/grandmother - calls the users mom at regular intervals. This feature will eventually come standard on all phones and is activated by the user's mother. It can only be deactivated by a very good explanation of why the user's mother is not worthy of a phone call. 

• Call your girlfriend/boyfriend - Sends a reminder to call the user's significant other if there has been no contact in a designated period of time.  If the reminder is ignored, the phone auto sends a list of appropriate ways to dump someone. 

Kitchen Disaster: A Beginner's Cook book

I started cooking a lot a couple of months ago and I love it. I love trying out new recipes, making unhealthy foods healthier by switching out ingredients, figuring out how to use the odd new ingredients(fennel anyone?)  Sean and I are eating healthier(though we still take far too many trips to what Sean lovingly calls, "Old McDonald's Farm") and I am teaching him that food doesn't always come out of a box.

However, along the way there have been some missteps. Mostly due to the fact that I was unwillingly to follow a recipe until my late twenties and I rarely let my mom or dad teach me how to cook anything.  Here are some of the recipes and substitutions that did not work out:

AWESOME BEER,
AWFUL SHRIMP MARINADE

 Porter Boiled Shrimp - My friend's husband is a fisherman and at one of their parties his mom told me a nice recipe for shrimp. Boil it in beer until it turns pink and season it with old bay. I tried this twice before my disaster; 1) once with a nice citrus beer and once with a cheap pale ale.  The shrimp were wild caught US gulf prawns and they were amazing. The next time I got shrimp at the store, I came home to find that the only beer available was a mocha porter. You know, the dark, coffee-ish beer.  And that is what my concoction tasted like: shrimp boiled in coffee.

Boiled lettuce - I subscribe to a CSA, they bring me absolutely amazing in-season fruits and vegetables every week and I love almost every bite. The problem is that the greens spoil quickly. During the winter, I would take the Kale, Chard and Collard greens and boiled them in vinegar, wine, or broth. It was tasty and made the vegetables last longer. The thing about the above greens is that they are bitter, and continue to retain their texture after boiling.  I did not get that lettuce would not do the same thing. It was limp and the wine I boiled it in made it taste vinegary, but not in a good way. And according to my co-workers, boiled lettuce does not have a pleasing look or aroma. 

 Convenient Salmon Lunch - I usually do salmon well. I buy a fillet from the guy at the farmer's market. I brush it with olive oil and squirt a little lemon on top. I bake it until it is flaky and it tastes amazing. Then, I use the leftovers to make salmon caesar salad.  This particular salmon had three problems: 1) I bought it sight unseen from a large online grocery outlet, it said it was wild-caught sockeye, but who knows, 2) I waited to bake it until one day before the "freeze by" date and 3) I didn't bring it for lunch until three days after I baked it.  I guess I am lucky that my sense of smell is poor because I microwaved my salmon the same day that one of my co-workers cleaned all of the old food out from the fridge and my salmon was apparently ten times worse. Needless to say, I am not allowed to bring salmon to work anymore.

Oh.....and I also suggest that you do not freeze shrimp and then saute it directly from frozen.....ewww

To tan or not to Tan....doing Florida as a pale chick

So, I am caucasian and live in Seattle. As a consequence, my skin color is somewhere in between vampire and polar bear. When I get make-up, I do not even even need to pick a shade, I just get the lightest one available.  I have come to terms with being fair skinned and I am usually anti tanning booth(I am just not into the getting skin cancer to look a little less blindingly pale).

But a combination of conceit and a desire to not turn into a lobster has taken over as I prepare to go to the keys in Florida and experience this weird yellow ball that non-Seattlites call "The Sun".

First, the lobster. I remember this water park in Denver, called water world. Growing up, we would go there during the summer and play in the pools, slide down the slides and otherwise generally engage in water merriment. The day after the water park, without fail, I would be beet red. I would blister and and peel and be miserable for at least three days. It didn't matter if I forgot the sunscreen or used super spf 5000 magic sunscreen. Sun as a child ALWAYS was followed by painful red body parts and a giant bottle of aloe vera.

Next, the conceit.  I picture women on a beach in the Keys in the following way: All perfectly put together, wearing very small bikinis with not a pale girl or lobster in sight.  I am not super fond of going to the beach and blinding everyone with my radiant whiteness, or in the alternative, getting sympathy for the awful burn I achieve the first day of my visit.  The idea of going to a tanning booth to stave off the burn and create a little color before I go is so appealing......and a tan might make my surgery scar slightly less visible.

But then comes the downsides. I am not a girly girl. I care about how I look, but I also buy most of my make-up at the discount store and I get my hair cut at Rudy's Barbershop. I buy all of my clothes at one chain because I understand how to make the colors match(and not everyone believes that I have achieved color matching). I am afraid that the very act of walking into the tanning salon will ruin my reputation. I will have to start carrying around a purse because it was designed by a snotty person in Milan and I will have to buy my make-up at Nordstrom instead of Bartell Drugs.

Also, there is the problem of the health risks associated with tanning. All of the science-y health people keep saying that we need to protect our selves from the sun's UV rays, use good sunscreen, etc.....etc.... We need to limit our time in the sun and we need to wear hats and other gear that prevents sun related damage (like cancer, aging spots, etc....) And tanning is basically sitting in a bed of highly concentrated UV rays with no protective equipment.

And really, the health risks should make the decision a no brainer.....I should just make sure I get super expensive wonder sunscreen before I leave. I should apply it every hour and avoid too much sun....but it wouldn't be that bad to get a head start on the sun......

Weight Watchers wins my too much time on my hands competition....

As I indicated earlier, I have had a lot of time on my hands after my back surgery. So, I experimented with using a calorie tracker and weight watchers online system to track my food intake.  Weight watchers, despite the increased cost, wins.  Here are the top 11 reasons:

11) If a food item is not in the database, it is easier to enter it into Weight Watchers than a calorie counter. All you need are the carbs, fat, protein and fiber. You don't have to enter in the entire label, which is annoying and takes a long time.

10) Weight watchers has tons and tons and tons of awesome recipes on the site. You can enter in ingredients that you have in your pantry and the online software will actually find a kick ass recipe for you using your ingredients. This is good for me since I have decided that I finally need to start learning how to cook using recipes (Without recipes, I end up boiling shrimp in porters and boiling lettuce instead of collard greens, mmmmm........)

9) My sister, who lives in Ohio, is also on weight watchers, and we are doing a challenge together and can send each other messages and support on the site, which is cool. It is not cool that my sister lives in Ohio. She really should live in Seattle. But because, according to my friends, I am not allowed to force people to move to Seattle, we will have to do the online weight watchers support.

8) Weight watchers has this healthy checks function, which has you click a check box every time you drink a glass of water or eat a fruit or vegetable. It is a really good reminder that I do not ever drink enough water. I will note that some calorie counters have the clear liquid counting feature.

7) You cannot survive on weight watchers without eating tons of fruits and vegetables. Without fruits and vegetables, you end up eating around 1000-1200 calories a day, which sucks and would make me incredibly hungry. However,  you can eat as many fruits and vegetables as you want without penalty on the program. So, I figure, even if I were to gain weight with weight watchers, at least I would be eating a lot of healthy food while doing it.

6)  It is easier to get weight-losss benefits from exercise on weight watchers.  When I am in non-back injury mode and exercising several hours a week, I tend to eat at least enough calories to make-up for my work out and then some. Example: after a 1000 calorie run, I might have a 1200 calorie hamburger at red Robin with a beer as an after workout treat.  This plan of eating tons after I exercise does not relate to lots of weight loss. However, on weight watchers an activity point is worth far less than a food point. So,  if you trade activity points for food, you end up eating less than the amount you workout, making the workout a weight loss instead of a weight gain activity.

5) If you go over your point total for the week, your point deficit shows up in a nice bold red color. -5 points  remaining is what my online software says this week. This is good because it reminds me every time I look at it, that I cannot eat tons of food until my points reset for the week on sunday.

4) Even if you go over your points total for the week, everything starts fresh once a week on weight watchers. It is as if the krispy kreme donut spree(mmmmm donuts), the hamburger at red robin and the pounds of shrimp and salmon I ate last week disappeared into the ether. Every week, I get to try again and there is no penalty for being a dork the last week. Calorie counters just keep going and going and are constant reminders of my shortfalls.

3)  The weigh-in is very supportive. If you gain weight the computer provides a nice caring message about how things happen and how you will do better next week. If you lose weight, you get a really great message even if you only lose .1 pounds. And the fact is, that all of the weight I have lost over the last several years has stayed off mostly because I lost it in .1 pound increments. Better to lose slowly and stay thinner, than lose quickly and gain it all back.

2) There is a list of healthy food on the site and there are little green triangles next to super healthy foods and foods that will fill you up for very few calories.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY WEIGHT WATCHERS IS BEST IS:

1) Weekly points. Without any remorse, I can choose to have a day where I go out with friends, eat a bunch of fries and hamburger and have a couple of beers. I just enter in my wonderful guttony into the online calculator and it subtracts my unhealthy food choices from my weekly points. Now, I can't do that every night (but wouldn't it be cool if I could), but I can go to the awesome pig roast I was invited to next weekend without worrying about whether the pork and mojitos would go to my thighs.

Weight Watchers v. Calorie Counting

Because I have too much time on my hands right now, I am using both Weight Watchers and my favorite calorie counting app, Tap&Track, to record what I am eating. I am pitting them against each other and judging them in the following areas:

1) Ease of Entering in restaurant foods
2) Cost (Tap&Track wins this, it is 3.99 for a lifetime, WW is about18 bucks a month)
3) Ease of entering in specialized foods and recipes
4) Accuracy
5) Usefulness of nutritional information available from app/website
6) Helpfulness of community forums/posts

I think this will be an interesting project, because most reviews concentrate on whether the darned thing makes you lose weight.  I think this is important, but the ability to use and stick to the tracking system is what makes the difference in long term success. If you lose weight, but get annoyed at having to enter your information and give up tracking, you are way more likely to gain the weight back than if you find the process easy and unobtrusive.

Also, I am interested to really delve into the support options on Weight Watchers. These features and the nutritional information are really what make the program cost more, so my question is: is  all of that extra stuff worth it? 

Redlissa's Diet Plan: Part II, the sedentary diet

I have been racking my brains over how to continue to eat tasty food, not gain weight (and thereby make my back even more useless) and not exercise for the next six weeks. We will see how it goes, but gleaned from my diet/food policy books and personal experience, this is how I plan to not exercise and not gain tons of weight. Given how much I ate and exercised, I have had to shave off 1000 calories a day to maintain my weight.  I am hoping that, if this works, my ideas might help other people that have to be sedentary.  I have not gained any weight over the first two weeks of sedentariness, and hopefully I will be able to keep it up.

Here is the outline:

1) Figure out what you are willing to give up entirely and what you are not willing to give up while unable to exercise.
2) Eat lean protein and lots of fruits/vegetables
3) Find mindless activities to take place of mindless snacking
4) Drink a lot of that clear liquid beverage with the magical hydrating powers.
5) Track every darned morsel that goes into your mouth.

Here is how I am going to do it:

First, I have had to decide the things I am just willing to give up completely while I am injured as well as the things I am NOT willing to give up, ever, under any circumstances.  I am completely giving up alcohol. I love my microbrews and tasty glasses of wine, but I am on narcotics and I have no interest in seeing what the combination will do for me.  At 100-180 calories a pop, it just isn't worth the extra calories. And on top of the increased caloric intake, the nice buzzed feeling makes most people, including me, very interested in eating more crap. I am also completely willing to give up pastries. I LOVE sugar, I LOVE everything about sugar, but I realize that for a significant decrease in calories I can have myself a nice piece of melty dark chocolate instead. A typical cookie that I would eat (think, the nice big chocolate chip cookies from the bakery or local restaurant) has 500 calories. Even the most indulgent chocolate bar has 400 or less and I can usually get my fix at 190 calories of chocolatey goodness(the equivalent of 190 calories of chocolatey goodness).

When I am sick, I like my damned comfort foods. I like hamburgers, fried chicken, fish and chips and french fries. I am not willing to give fried crappy food up just because I am injured. But I am willing to do the following nerdy activities to lower the cost of comfort. I order the plate of comfort and then have the waiter take the plate away when I am half finished. In the case of fast food, I just toss half the food before I start eating (I know its nerdy, but it works).  Half a hamburger at red robin is like 500 calories, doable, a whole hamburger is like 1/3 of a pound of fat added to my already broken back. I am also willing to restrict my emotional fried food eating to when I really, really need it (only once or twice a week, not every time I feel sorry for myself because I am injured.)

Second, I have had to up my percentage of healthy foods.  These are the foods with lots of nutrients and very little calories. I am eating at least one or two servings of fruit or vegetables at every meal and I am always including a protein so that I feel satisfied at the end of my meal. This morning, for breakfast I had an apple, a yummy serving of almonds and two chocolate infused rice cakes (I actually like rice cakes)

And I am increasing, if it is possible my intake of seafood. Salmon, halibut and shrimpies have lots of protein and not very much in the way of calories(3 oz of smoked salmon is 100 calories, 9 huge, beautiful US gulf prawns are 54 calories and a quarter pound of halibut is 158 calories).  For lunch, I am going to have a local greens salad with green goddess dressing, smoked salmon and some tasty dark chocolate all for 400 calories. mmmmm......yes seafood and chocolate are the world's perfect foods.

Third, I am working to find new and exciting mindless activities to engage in that are not snacking.  I think I am going to learn how to knit while I am sick (my mom bought be the tools a couple of years ago and taught me how, I just have to use them), I have mass levels of angry birds and plants v. zombies to play(thank you Wendy) and there are always scrabble and pencil puzzles.

Four:  I am going to start utilizing that drink you all call water. It comes out of the faucet and some people drink it instead of diet coke. Apparently, the lack of caffeine and hydrating powers of this mystery substance will make me less hungry and more able to function. We shall see......

Finally and MOST IMPORTANT: I am tracking every darned thing that goes into my mouth.  There are  100s of apps, journals and online universes for this purpose. I really like Tap&Track on the ipod. I have the time to track since I am not spending time exercising and I know exactly how much is going in my mouth.  Excepting one very deep fried and chocolate covered day, I have been averaging around 1500 calories a day while ill.  I am going to try and drop that to 1400, but I am not going to stress if I fail.  

I track because there is little margin for error while I am sick. If I eat too little, I will just start feeling sicker and weaker because I am not eating. And every pound of weight I carry causes increased pressure on my spine, knees and all of those joints I am going to need in the future.

Moping, back injuries, sports and attitude

So, I have been laying around my house brooding for the last week and a half. Somehow, I managed to herniate 3 of the discs in my lower back, one of them enough that I will likely have to have surgery.  If my pain isn't better by monday, time to go under the knife.  Because I am into running, yoga and have been working out 6-10 hours a week for at least a year, the last two weeks have been slightly hellish.  I have been told that my job is to lay on the couch with a pillow between my legs for support.  And because I am on vicodin and in pain, I can't concentrate well enough to do things like read books, make intelligent conversation (though I have made plenty of unintelligent conversation) and clean the house.

So basically, I have spent the last two weeks moping, brooding and fishing for sympathy. You would think that this would have gotten worse when the surgeon told me that I could not run anymore, ever.  I gave him these puppy dog eyes and pouted a little, thinking that this might change his mind, but he wasn't up for it. Instead he told me that after my six weeks of complete absence from exercise, I could take up swimming.  He mentioned swimming like five times in between discussions of the recumbent bike, stair master and possibly after a while the elliptical.

At first, I was not pleased, I pouted on my own for a bit and then his discussion made something click. I realized two things in about five minute period while illicitly driving home from my appointment. 1) The reason I like running is because I love movement, I love seeing how far my body can go and what it can do and 2) I needed to quit my damned whining.

So, I have turned a corner both sports and attitude wise. I have now found a sport, swimming, that will allow be to continue moving and possibly give me the chance to push my body to do new and exciting things. They have open water swimming events in the sound, I can join a master's swimming team if I get good enough. I have found private lessons at my gym for when I am ready to start training.  And swimmers can get their bodies into hella good shape with relatively low impact.

All my attitude needed, it turns out, was something to look forward to. I was brooding because I could only see a future of eating fries, gaining back the pounds I worked to hard to take off, and eventually losing a lot of my mobility to weight gain and back problems.

 Now, I am excited about the weeks of painstakingly watching every movement I make and tracking every morsel I put in my mouth until I am well enough to learn how to swim.  As I get better I can read books about perfecting my freestyle stroke and maybe I can start figuring out what gadgets I can take with me in the pool.

Speedos, googles and swim caps...here we come .... and I am sure I will have plenty of missteps and adventures to blog about in my new sport.